Hold the Dice and swear
by Ocean of Ashes
Summary: Ten songs, and ten moments. Ray and Neela


Author's Note: Okay, so the cajoling has worked… nzhome, consider this written solely in your honour. I don't think it was quite what you were expecting, but the ten song challenge idea is floating around over on the Grey's Anatomy pages at the moment and I rather fancied it so I'm borrowing the concept for this little piece of writing. Except I've cheated and picked my own songs rather than followed the letter of the law and used the shuffle function, mainly because I have a largely depressing taste in music and didn't trust the shuffle to come up with anything upbeat. I hope you all enjoy it, and forgive me for my long absence from these pages.

Also, I just have to say, I am watching The Book of Abby as I am writing this, and even thought I'm as spoiled as they come, I can't believe Abby is _leaving. _And I really, really want to give Morris a hug.

Disclaimer: Oh, you know the score. And obviously all the songs belong to the respective artists and whoever else may have rights over them.

Rating: There is some strong language, but honestly, I don't think a swear word or two warrants an M rating, so it's a T. Apologies if it offends.

**1. Run – Snow Patrol**

_You've been the only thing that's right  
__In all I've done_

There are ghosts everywhere she turns. Sometimes when she crosses the road outside the hospital after a long shift she sees Michael walking towards her through the traffic and for a second she forgets he's dead, before reality comes crashing back down. And she's lost count of the number of times she's seen Greg's figure disappearing round the corner at the end of a corridor.

In self loathing moments, she feels the ghost of Tony's or Simon's hands on her body, and in the better ones, there is the breath of Ray's lips.

And as she sits in the window and watches his car pull away, she knows that they might have a chance, but not in Chicago. There are too many ghosts.

**2. Sit Down – James**

_If I hadn't seen such riches  
__I could live with being poor_

He'd always loved rollercoasters as a kid, he still did in fact, so why the Hell did he hate this one? Perhaps it was because there were so many more troughs than there were peaks. Every time he got his hopes up, she managed to bring them crashing down around his ears again, and each time it happened, it hurt a little bit more.

But then there were moments, her head on his shoulder, and the way she smiled, _the kiss_, that made him think it might just be worth it.

Taking another long swig of beer, he was pretty sure it was going to drive him mad in the end though.

**3. Banana Pancakes – Jack Johnson**

_We got everything we need right here  
__And everything we need is enough_

Sunday mornings, those rare Sunday mornings when neither of them were working, were her favourite time. She would sleep, snug in his arms, until she felt his lazy kisses on her neck slowly rouse her.

After a while, he would get up and make breakfast, which they would eat in bed, and laugh when they dripped honey from the pancakes onto the tangled bedcovers. And they would look out over the beach and watch the bright, Californian sunshine glitter on the azure water.

It was paradise.

**4. London Calling – The Clash**

_London calling at the top of the dial  
__And after all this, won't you give me a smile?_

Everything, the dirty dishes, the mould in the bathroom, loud music and even louder girls – he was never sure whether he did it because that's just the way he was, or because he wanted to get a reaction out of her.

He realised, really early on, that he loved the way her eyes flashed when she was angry and the way she sounded more English than she did the rest of the time. He also realised that one of the best ways to get a reaction was to play The Clash at a volume that made the paper thin walls shake with the music.

He wondered if there would be a time when she wouldn't hate him.

**5. Good Riddance – Greenday**

_Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial  
__For what it's worth it was worth all the while_

You wonder sometimes, usually when you're having a bad day, that if you had the power to turn back the clock, if there would be anything you would change. Of course there is, you think in a flash.

You wouldn't mind your legs back, for starters, and there are about two years of _shit _that you'd quite happily wipe from the record. You'd have had one less whiskey at the wedding, and you wouldn't have let Neela get into that cab the night she left.

But if you did change any of those things, would your life have turned out the same? Because, you think, as you lay your hand on Neela's dome of a stomach, you're pretty damn happy right now.

**6. Brown Eyed Girl – Van Morrison**

_My brown eyed girl  
__You my brown eyed girl_

You tell him it's a stupid song to have for your first dance and that you want something pretty and slow and romantic that you can waltz to but he's having none of it. He tells you that he couldn't dance before the accident and he's worse now, so there's no way he's going to waltz in front of a hundred people.

Then before you have a chance to think about being pissed off, he laughs and spins you around and starts singing Van Morrison at the top of his voice.

You let him have his way when you hear the neighbour banging on the wall at the noise.

**7. Strange and Beautiful – Aqualung**

_To me you're strange and you're beautiful  
__You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see_

He was turning into some pathetic, lovelorn fool and he fucking hated himself for it. He tried everything, double shifts, too much tequila, sex with Katey, but whatever he did, she was still there at the front of his mind for every second of the day. Blue scrubs had never looked so beautiful.

When he closed his eyes, all he could see was her. He just wished she could see him.

**8. Scientist – Coldplay**

_I had to find you, tell you I need you  
__Tell you I set you apart_

I lost three patients on the table, one after the other, but what scared me the most was that I couldn't cry. I couldn't _care. _I tried, because three lives had expired in front of my eyes and I thought I should feel something, but there was nothing there. Lucien took one look at me in the scrub room after the last one, and shook his head.

I asked him then if I could take some time owed to me, and I was on a plane heading south by lunchtime.

And standing on your doorstep in time for dinner.

**9. Dice – Finley Quaye**

_Nothing can compare  
__To when you hold the dice and swear your love's for me_

In the fraction of a second before I opened the door, I knew it was going to be you standing on the other side. You looked small and scared, but for the first time ever, not lost. You looked as if you'd finally found what you were looking for.

I don't think you'd finished telling me you loved me when I kissed you.

**10. Hallelujah – Jeff Buckley**

_Love is not a victory march  
__It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah_

It's not hard to stockpile enough Vicodin to do yourself some damage, you've seen enough patients do it to know how to be subtle about it. You wait until the nurse is well out of the room before you take the tablet out from under your tongue, and you put on enough of a front that the shrink doesn't deem it necessary to tell her to check that you swallow.

Only a couple more days, and you'll have enough to finally get the Hell out of this shit.

**And a bonus one, because I couldn't decide which one to cut… Over the Rainbow – Israel Kamakawiwo'ole**

_And the dreams that you dreamed to dream  
__Dreams really do come true_

Neela smiled softly as she heard the strains of a soft lullaby floating out of the open window and mixing with the whisper of the ocean. Ray always used to play that song when the children were little and couldn't sleep.

It had been a while since she had heard it, but it was still beautiful, and she put the journal down to give it her full attention, leaning back on the lounger with the late evening sun casting a reddish glow as it sank into the distant horizon.

The notes seemed like they were dancing on the breeze. He played them to their granddaughter now.


End file.
